took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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