You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
