Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
