Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
