He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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