i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
