There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
