How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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