Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
