Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
