No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
