I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
