I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think a kid would responsible me up
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
