hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
