I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
