This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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