So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
