I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it hurts more in the daytime
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
