you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
