wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize