I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
