By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
