The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
