How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
