How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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