i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
