Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
