saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She needs sedatives and a leash
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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