I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
