the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i permit you to call me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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