You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He shit in the fireplace
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
