The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
