i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
