Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
