Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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