If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
