why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
