so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
His nipple licking is glorious
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