what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
