last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
