I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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