After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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