No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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