Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
