my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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