Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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