I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's shark week go big or go home
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
