So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
