whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
