What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
a search helicopter?!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just forgot I was standing up.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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