I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
