I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
