Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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