I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
