I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
