the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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