I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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