I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
