My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize