My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize