I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
