Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
