K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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