clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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