well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
