So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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