Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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