after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
