I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
