I wish my penis had an off switch
4 words: hood of his car
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
